My name is Anthony Brexit. It really is, I can show you my birth certificate if you are calling me a liar. For my whole life it has been fine but since the EU referendum having this surname has been hell on legs.
I am writing this because I want politicians, journalists and your average Joe Blogg on the street to stop using my family name to mean something bad. Now let me impregnate you with education so that you can give birth to truth babies.
This is how the Brexit name came to England: My paternal Grandfather Marco Brexit was a proud yet simple bare-knuckle boxer for the Romanian navy. He once punched a man so hard that his face came off. Because of this big punch, he was forced to flee the country and hid for a fortnight inside a bag of beef aboard a Spanish ship.
Marco landed in the summer of 1890 at Southampton docks, covered in beef. And that was the way he would stay. Marco opened Southampton's busiest abattoir only five years later, working his way up from sweeping up the eyeballs from the killing floor of a butchers, to personally slaughtering thousands of animals per day in what he described as an “orgy of death.”
Hearing this moving tale, you can see that the name “Brexit” holds much noble history and honour for me and my family. I am proud to be a Brexit. Or at least I used to be.
I am in a living nightmare where I believe people are speaking about me 24 hours per day, but they are referring to a polarising political issue.
This year everything changed. Can you imagine how I felt when I walked down the street with my head held high after successfully completing a maths exam to hear street people saying “Brexit is the stupid work of idiots” and “Brexit is the worst thing to happen to England since The Cheeky Girls moved here” and “Brexit will be the eventual downfall of the human race.” When they should all really be saying “Brexit is a wonderful success! Congratulations on the exam, especially question 17 C which was especially tricky.” But do they say that? No. They say the first list of sentences instead.
Here is why it's painful and I hate it: The EU referendum result has divided the nation. To most people, the word 'Brexit' means conflict and division. In Southampton and the surrounding areas the Brexit family name has been synonymous with bringing people together, whether it's at one of my Dad's famous soup and tennis mornings or at my brother's underground fight club, we accept everyone. Apart from you-know-who who temprorarily ruined both of those events by bringing unacceptable weapons with her.
I am in a living nightmare where I believe people are speaking about me 24 hours per day, but they are referring to a polarising political issue. The only person who has ever understood this feeling was Jonny Slavery, but I can't lean on him for support because he moved out of Southampton a few years ago.
Angry people are storming the streets with my name written on their placards, low people like Boris Johnson keep saying my name and every day I get letters from children addressed to “Brexit” which come to me, many written in crayons with messages like “please stop making my Daddy cry.” I am not making your Daddy cry! It is the will of the British people that is doing that! Apart from the letter from Timmy, I am sorry, but your father pushed in the queue at WHSmiths and he deserved what I did.
The last few months have been overwhelming. My sister is too sad to do her taxidermy, Daddy Brexit has started taking class A drugs and I haven't seen my brother since my Mum brought those weapons to his fight club. Things need to change.
I hope that my story has made you cry. I hope now you will understand that Brexit is not a nonsense word. It is not a political word. It is MY WORD. MY NAME. So either stop using it or use it appropriately. So it is ok by me for you to say “Brexit is a hard worker and is attractive to women” or “Brexit has been kind to the homeless recently and is an expert kisser” because those are true facts about me but it is NOT OK to say “Brexit is a wrong disaster that will damage my children's future” because I am the opposite of those things.
Heed this: Please take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror every time you want to talk about Britain leaving Europe and you want to say “Brexit.” Instead, say “Britainleave” because that's just as good and it doesn't hurt anyone's feelings.
I suppose it could be worse, we could have the surname Trump, which is a nickname for farting, that would be really embarrassing! I hope you like my light-hearted gag here. I'm aware that the rest of this article is emotionally devastating so I wanted to end on a fun note. I hope I have succeeded.