Warning – Don’t… err… well if you can imagine it… just don’t.

So often people talk about how we live in a kind of ‘nanny state’.  Everything we breathe near is protected by its own four thousand and seven page document renouncing all that you shouldn’t do with, by or near it.  And I love it.  Without this gorgeous mindset, we wouldn’t be able to have these delightful sights bouncing off our retinas…  Here goes, some of the best warnings ever communicated:

1: Thou Shalt Not Steal

That’s all items of value.  Not your purse, your iPhone, your Rolex, your Botticelli original… you leave it in the pews while you’re supping the blood of Christ and his pesky flock’ll have it for themselves.


2: Kill-joy. 

Bloody crocodile sitters. At least wait until you’ve saddled him up.


3: Sound Advice, Canada.

A straightening iron to the eye would be horrendous.  Thank Canada for alerting us to the potential woes.  Don’t thank Canada for making you straighten your hair outside though.


4: Looks are everything

How nice to be warned about the perils of deviation from the washing instructions!  It is important to want your dress to look nicer and valuable than usual.


5: Mixed Messages

soap, on-soap, podcast studio hire, london comedy writer

To follow the arrow or the instruction?  Or is there a missing comma?  Keep left, right?  Who knows?  I’ll go for staying where I am and weeping until someone rescues me and tells me what to do.


6: *Sigh*

soap, on-soap, on soap

Immediate danger is the worst danger!  Worry about the other stuff later.



Remember that thing girls did in the 90s?  Crimping?  This machine’ll do that to your fingers.  Remember how it didn’t look good on hair?  It’d be god awful on fingers.



Don’t die.  If you bloody do, you are in soooo much trouble.



Really, don’t.  You’ll do yourself no favours.


10: how sweet...

Generosity knows no bounds.  These guys are givers.  Not like the Christians in point 1.  Damn those Christians.  I want my Botticelli back.