It's that exciting time of the year when youngsters leave the safety of their family homes and head off to start a new life at University. It can be scary meeting so many new people but don't worry, here's a helpful guide to the five people you will meet while you're a student and guidelines for how to handle them.
Good luck and happy studying!
The guy who's been at uni forever
Everyone is familiar with this poor quality man. He haunts the Uni bar like an overweight ghost wearing flairs. When he's not strutting about with his belly peeping out from under his Shed 7 T-shirt he is playing boring guitar songs at the open mic night and trying to kiss your worst friend. People say things about him like “He is a rapist” and “He knows the exact location of the canteen.” Avoid him unless you need to purchase drugs, his one virtue is that he knows a terrifying guy who will sell you fake cocaine.
The girl who wants to be your new best friend
She has a name like 'Pam' or 'Angie.' She will approach you and state her intention to be your new best friend because of your lovely hair clips. This woman has a big mouthful of wrong words. She is not your best friend and your hair clips are sub par. Amy will be your best friend. Lovely Amy with her fun parents and good taste in festivals. Not this other girl who eats pickles from a briney jar and let Purple Peter lip wrestle her by the Lucozade machine. Unless you tell her outright that Amy is your best friend and you're only allowed to have one then the girl will not leave you alone and you will need to do something like ignore or murder her.
The person you fall in love with
Ah, your precious new love! How you adore spending delightful evenings with him or her counting his bravery medals or combing her replica ponies. You'll go on the most romantic of dates! If it's a boy he'll take you to a hot dog eating competition or if you seek a lady she'll take you to a champagne jacuzzi puppy fashion show to buy a handbag. He or she will smell of petrol or bath bombs and will be an expert in punching or listening. Unlike your school boyfriend or girlfriend who was obsessed with football or never existed your University boyfriend will have many interests like machine guns and gravel or if you have a University grilfriend her hobbies will include fingernail painting and looking at Fiona Bruce's jackets. Watch out for your University lover. It is a temporary love and they are likely to betray you and run off with Angie or Purple Peter.
K-Hor, emperor of the forest spirits and keeper of the enchanted amulet of Oraphon
Beware. K-Hor takes many forms. If using the cloaking spell of Avkarr it could even appear to be one of your friends or a kitchen appliance. K-Hor mainly shows itself to freshers as a glowing tentacled orb crawling from the bows of oaks and willows. It was once a student of economics at Portsmouth named Jeremy but fell afoul of a fiendish curse which binds him to the forest. Now determined to avenge those who cast the spell, K-Hor has pledged to exact a bloody revenge on all students everywhere. Whilst it may appear benevolent at first do not be tempted by its gifts of gems and trinkets. K-Hor wants to devour your soul. Once it has enough screaming souls within its dark stomach K-Hor is permitted to make a wish upon the enchanted amulet. When it makes a wish its wishes are nightmarish and involve ripping of flesh, tearing out of teenage teeth and sawing of limbs at midnight. Despite all this K-Hor's actually pretty cool when you get to know it. Great snooker player too.
The one weird teacher
His face and clothes will be from another place and time. There will be rumours that he is immortal or from a distant planet. Perhaps he has the cadence of a vampire or a Spanish pornographic actor. He is not actually a bad teacher but there will be something you can't put your finger on about him, something eerie in his manner that gives you a creepy feeling. During his lectures you will write notes to your friend saying things like: “This teacher makes me want to sick out my guts until I'm a bloody puddle of death” and “The guy speaking right now is made of the most disgusting meats” and “Piss flaps should shut his weirdo hole and go back to the crab shit he lives inside” and “He is like a slug man from the planet slimey slimer slimes” and your friend will respond by writing: “Please stop this he's my Dad.” You must learn from the teacher and ignore his peculiar ways. Knowledge is power and his course on Radical Outsider Bolivian Maths Poetry will be really useful after you graduate.