BANNED MILLS AND BOON STORY: “The Princess and also The Butler”

Read the story that was too hot, too raunchy and too 'focussed on unnecessary details of clothing' for publishers!  That's right!  Over 30 romance publishers REFUSED to publish this story.  Probably because it was TOO SENSATIONAL and TOO EROTIC.  Can you handle it?  Put on your excitement gloves and find out...   



Princess Gabriella was a fierce woman.  Her head was covered in long flowing waxen locks like a lion’s hair and inside her chest was a lion's heart.  Literally. In 2004 she was involved in an unusual safari disaster.  As the big round orange sun set over the mountains that looked like tits Gabriella sipped a strawberry nesquick and took a load off in a luxury adjustable reclining chair on the spacious balcony of the Glassphere Palace looking over the mining town of Womber Sores that her family ruled in a cruel way.  But all was not well with Gabriella.  Something was missing.  She needed romance.  She needed it like a plant needs water, like ice skaters need leotards, like a kite needs a handle.  Gabriella needed romance loads. 

She called out to her butler Raoul who was by her side within seconds because he'd actually been behind her for ages.  The sound of his aquamarine crocs squeaking on the marble flooring alerted her to his bold and enigmatic presence.  Gabriella turned her sexy head that had her eyes in it and drank in Raoul like a thirsty man sucking on the udder of a cow.  His skin was the colour of an erotic old garden pot and his long, red dreadlocks swayed in the wind, occasionally settling on his throbbing muscular chest which heaved his solid steel dreamcatcher necklace against a frayed denim waistcoat.  Unusual attire for a butler but Raoul wasn't just any butler.  He was a rebel butler; a deaf mute with a facial scar and an attitude from Argentina the 'country of meat.'   

To Gabriella Raoul represented everything she wanted and everything she couldn't have; freedom, independence the ability to chose her own clothes.  But she was a Princess, heir to the Glassphere fortune bound to the constrictive rules of her family and Raoul was her lowly servant.  Their union was as forbidden as the love between a man and a sandwich toaster or a dead person.  Gabriella shook off her desire as if it were sand in a crevice, remembered his low societal status and chastised him for a minor spillage in the sitting room.  “Why can't I tell him how I really feel?”  She thought but also said out loud by mistake. 

Raoul's silence was deafening.  Could it be that he felt the same?  The Princess leapt toward him and their eyes met like two business associates at a conference who haven't seen each other since the last conference.  His eyes were deep and soulful like Stevie Wonder singing in a cavern.  She paused for a moment.  What would her Mother The Queen do if she found out her desires? She had always warned her against becoming close in a romance way with the staff.  Raoul made a wheezing sound from his nose and it was in that seductive moment that she couldn't pretend any more, she had to have him, she wanted his long fingernails through her hair, that one bushy eyebrow against her lips, how badly she wanted to unclasp his Quicksilver brand belt and pull down those cut off dungarees.  The Princess was unstoppable now.  With the power of a thousand lions with erections she launched herself toward him.  
In the hallway of the Palace The Queen was on the telephone trying to organise the delivery of a new central heating stop cock when she heard the sound of lips persing. A sound she knew only too well.  Without a moment’s hesitation she slammed the phone down onto the receiver despite the fact that she was mid transaction.  She knew whose lips they were and that it was up to her to stop the kiss that could tear her family apart.  

A single bead of Raoul's forehead sweat was silhouetted against the sunset, primed to drip its salty path onto Gabriella's chin as he held her close to his annoyingly warm body.  Suddenly a shrill scream broke the romantic mood.  

“Take your filthy butler hands off the Princess!”

 “Don't tell me what to do Mother.  I love him!” Thought the Princess but this time she did not say it out loud.  She feared her mother The Queen like an ant fears the boot of an American after a buffet.  

The Queen furiously pushed them apart.  All three people in the story stood on the balcony breathing heavily and feeling feelings. Raoul massaged his pierced lobes sadly and went off to re-fold the towels.  The Princess cried hot wet tears for hours and threw her glass of Prosecco at the fountain which was currently unoperational due to a filter malfunction.  'A filter malfunction Raoul was supposed to handle.'  Thought The Queen.  She slapped The Princess twice across the face with her slapping stick.  

“You are never to see that monster ever again.  I'm banishing him to live in a far away meadow.”  
That night Gabriella's howls of grief floated over the mountains and valleys of Womber Sores and trickled all the way down to Raoul, as he laid his lonely head on the grass of his punishment meadow and looked up at the stars.  Of course he did not hear the sound because he was deaf. 

'Was it time to tell The Princess her dark secret?'  Thought the Queen as she chewed her morning goose breakfast washed down with champers.  'Yes.'  She thought about fifteen minutes later but when she creaked open the door of her daughter's bedroom The Princess was nowhere to be seen.  An escape rope made from bedsheets hung out of the open window, which seemed unnecessary considering her room was on the ground floor.  The Queen screamed her loud Queen scream and prayed that she could get to the meadow before it was too late. 

Surrounded by pine trees and mole hills, Raoul and The Princess were doing lots of kissing.  She had followed his footsteps all the way to his heart and now no-one could stop them.  They had sex and it was brilliant and went on for a really long time but not too long.  
Just as it had all finished The Queen burst through a bush and saw that she was too late.  They had had sex which was the opposite of what she wanted to happen.  It was like she had ordered a lobster bisque in a restaurant and the waiter served her a lobotomy.  
“You don't know what you've done!”  Cried The Queen.  “Yes I do.”  Boomed an unexpected voice.  A voice that came from inside the throat...of Raoul.  The deep, guttural tone of this lifelong mute was so shocking that even a nearby squirrel gasped and had a bowel movement. 
“You know that The Princess is the result of our union, that she is your daughter?” Asked The Queen.  This was the dark secret mentioned earlier.  The Princess fainted in horror at what The Queen had just said. 

“Yes.  Let me explain.  I was in love once, with a travelling circus gypsy.  We were a trapeze double act called 'Lovers from Above.'  The only married gymnastic act in all of the land.  We made that circus a fortune, but the owner was evil.  A jealous man named Edwin who envied our success and love.  He employed a witch to cast a powerful spell on us that could only be released by me taking a vow of silence and deafness, making a princess then having sex with her.  I've kept my side of the bargain and not a word has passed my lips for many years. Now I am free. I shall travel this land looking for my estranged cursed gypsy wife who was turned into a pair of exotic dance shoes by the witch.”

The Queen nodded her head, feeling very sorry for Raoul.  By this time The Princess had awoken too and was also sympathetic to his tragic tale.  They all shook hands and Raoul walked off into the forest.  

The family hired another butler later and coincidentally the exact thing happened all over again.