Death’s Top 5 Reasons to ‘Fear The Reaper’
Hullo. I am Mot/Hel/Death/The Grim Reaper. I’m the big skeleton that appears when you pass from this mortal coil to the next. 99.9% of the time this event goes according to The Omniversal Plan. It’s a simple procedure wherein I guide your eternal soul into the next plane, it’s painless and you have absolutely nothing to fear.
However I do have bad days at work like everyone else. If I’m distracted, irritable or tired… things can go wrong, and I can push your soul through the gate a bit heavy-handedly. This is something to fear, because if I don’t do it properly it can hurt a little. Dudley Moore later told me that it felt like the heat of 1000 galaxies exploding, then imploding, all over his body for millennia. So, it’s best that you don’t add to my stress levels when I appear. Here are 5 tips to help me help you onto The Next Great Adventure.
5: Don’t Dawdle
By The Cosmos that’s annoying. Just get a move on. I don’t care that you need to think of some memorable final words because “Oh shit” wasn’t cool enough. When you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go. I have to see 150,000 other people today. If there’s one thing guaranteed to make me want to push you through the gate without finesse - it’s that.
I remember Gary Coleman from TV’s Diff’rent Stokes insisted on looking for his lucky zippo for over an hour. I remember saying “For goodness sake Gary, leave it be - there’s plenty of fire where you’re going anyway”. I did chuckle, although I’ll never forget the terror in his eyes as I pushed him through the “down” portal.
4: Dress to Impress
You know when your mother used to say, “Put some clean underpants on, you might get run over by a bus”? Listen to her. You’ll be wearing those same clothes for eternity in The Afterlife, so choose wisely. Worst still is when you’re naked. If there’s one thing that’s bound to make me want to make your transition uncomfortable it’s the sight of your bits swinging in the wind. I remember David Carradine from TV’s Kung Fu was quite naked when I came for him.
I remember saying, “For goodness sake Carradine, put that away – you rub that any harder you’ll start a fire… there’s plenty of fire where you’re going anyway”. I did chuckle, although I’ll never forget the terror in his eyes as I pushed him through the “down” portal.
3: Don’t Try and Strike a Deal
I hate chess. I don’t gamble. And I am not obligated to accept any challenge to award you a longer life. I gave that up long ago after a particularly arduous 14-hour stint of Monopoly with its inventor, George Parker. I remember he insisted on playing with the dog and gave me the iron. He said he associated the iron with bad luck ever since a scullery maid had left one on and burnt down his childhood home.
I remember saying “For goodness sake George, one house on fire is the least of your worries - there’s plenty of fire where you’re going anyway”. I did chuckle, although I’ll never forget the terror in his eyes as I pushed him through the “down” portal.
2: Don’t Pull That Face When You See Me.
Yeah, you know the one – surprise. Death comes to all; you think you’d be the exception? Plus you’ve drunkenly climbed into the tiger enclosure with an air-horn, man. Of course she’s going to be angry. What did you think was going to happen? Nothing is going to wind me up more than you pulling that face when I’ve spent an hour in traffic getting here. I tell you who pulled that face, Bea Arthur from TV’s Golden Girls. She then started to cry and said leaving The Earthly Plane was like being fired from the best job she’d ever had.
I remember saying “For goodness sake Bea, man up, and quick, because speaking of fired - there’s plenty of fire where you’re going anyway”. I did chuckle, although I’ll never forget the terror in her eyes as I pushed her through the “down” portal.
1: Endless Questions about The After Life
This is number one. It’s always the way. I appear in a puff of smoke and most people look at the outfit and understand what’s happening straight way. Yet it doesn’t stop people banging on about what’s next. I mean, just wait one minute and you’ll find out. One minute. Are you that impatient? They always want to know if they’re getting reincarnated, or what God’s like, or if grandma’s there already. I’ll never forget Mother Theresa asking me what heaven was like.
I remember saying, “For goodness sake Anjezë, after all the pain and suffering you caused not passing those donations on to those who needed it most…you’re sure as fuck not going to find out.” I did chuckle, although I’ll never forget, as I pushed her through the “down” portal”, her saying: “Yeah, fair enough, mate”.
Death’s book on the history of Sushi - “Secret of The Raw” is out now on Faber & Faber, OR listen to DEATH chewing the fat with the FACT UP team below -