There’s been a lot of hoo-ha about various things ‘breaking the internet’ over the last year. Be it Kim Kardashian's shelf-bum, Justin Bieber falling down a trapdoor or Bieber nonchalantly wandering around with his dick out on holiday. Well, I’ve had just about enough of it! The term ‘breaking the internet’ has lost any true meaning. What happens when the internet actually breaks? MSN Messenger (God rest it's soul) is proof that all great things eventually can, and will, come to an end.
The following 4 things have a very real chance of destroying our online playground, and you guys are all too busy zooming in on Bieber's pixelated dick to notice.
Talk-Talk is widely known as being the worst internet provider in the entire world, giving speeds somewhere between dial-up and GPRS - when it works at all. Their saving grace, and presumably the only reason the company still exists, is their affordability. It’s £5 a month. FIVE. POUNDS. For the chance of occasionally having a whole world of data at your fingertips, sometimes. Bargain (?)
Rumor has it that Google actually invented that saint of a dinosaur game, which appears when Chrome doesn't load, to combat the increased suicidal tendencies in teenagers due to limited connectivity. Way to pick up the pieces for Talk Talks mistake, Google. You’re a hero.
Back to facts: In frugal times brought about by the UK's removal from the single market, and everyone losing their shit about how much the pound is worth, people are inevitably going to start tightening their bootstraps. Enter the era of 'Economic Internet'.
WARNING - A future of widespread Talk-Talk is the epitome of false economy. With a 96% downtime - all the time - the internet might as well be broken.
Bill Gates has been in the news recently for ‘buying into’ the weed business by creating software for a marijuana distributor. His initials, BG, are conveniently one letter removed from being OG.- i.e Original Gangster - I.E BILL IS CLEARLY A MASSIVE STONER.
If we are to believe the Daily Mail and the FBI (and why wouldn't we?) we know that once you start smoking weed it's a downward spiral for your cash, mental health and general well-being. Throwing caution to the wind, the founder of the consistently excellent ‘Internet Explorer’ is probably hot-boxing with fellow Internet big-wigs and Snoop Lion as we speak. Those guys will all stop washing, start being depressed, make experimental jazz music and, God forbid, have conscientious ideas about how they could use their fortune to solve the world's problems instead of keeping the internet’s lights on.
Low and behold - the Internet falls. You should have listened to your mom, Bill, and stayed clear of the devil's weed.
During internet prime (circa 1998-2002) everyone had so many questions -
Top 3 Searched Questions of The Prime Era
- ‘How do I get those fancy patterns in front of my name on MSN messenger?’
- ‘Which provider should I commit to for a lifelong email address, AOL, Yahoo or Blue Yonder?’
- ‘How do I avoid being kicked off the internet when the house phone ri…’’
We wanted to ask a civil question, like one would at a dinner party or a Tourist Information Centre and there was only one man for the job - Jeeves.
Then those pesky time-efficient kids came along and wanted to search succinct words like ‘CATS’ or ‘CAT VIDEOS’ and things like ‘CAT PLAYS PIANO’. Jeeves, rightly, has too much self respect to accept such a brash non-conversational turn of phrase and showed this by returning sub-par results. In doing so he dug his own internet grave and has been buried alive for years wallowing in self-pity and harbouring negative feelings towards Generation Y.
Well guess what? He’s back - Sleeker and more 3D than ever. Look at his smug little face. He looks like a shoe salesman who puts his penis in the shoes when the shop closes.
But this perverted little creep has all the answers you could ever imagine. And he will use that knowledge to break the Internet. Mark my words. How? Only Jeeves knows, and he won’t tell you no matter how politely you ask. I tried.
You don’t fool me, you sneeky little shitbag.
Tim Berners-Lee decides to take his ball home.
Do you know Tim Berners-Lee?
...Exactly. And it eats away at him every day.
Mr Berners-Lee is possibly the worst businessman in the world, ever. He made the internet and didn’t charge for it. Now he makes a living going around talking about how he made the internet and didn’t charge for it and people are all like “Yeah, Tim, I don’t need you to tell me because I read it on Wikipedia you shit businessman” and Tim’s all like, “LOOK WHAT I’VE CREATED! *crying face*”. It’s the classic story of Frankenstein’s Monster - If the monster was really good and useful, and Dr Frankenstein sold the monster for £0 and then cried all the time because he was shit at business and poor.
Tim gave us the www for free, and he could very well spit his dummy out and take it back if we don’t start showing him some respect. It’s his game after all, and playground rules dictate that he is well within his rights to take his ball home. What happens when Tim decides to not go and do his latest inspirational talk about being the world’s least respected philanthropist, and instead goes postal and shuts the whole thing down?
The below statistics show how we are probably on the cusp of a 2K17 'Berners-Lee Blowout'.
Zuckerber vs Berners-Lee - Users to Personal Wealth
Tim's been permanently in his overdraft for the last 15 years.
Well there we have it. 4 of the most serious problems facing our online existence. Some scary shit, huh? But now you’re all aware we can start to make sure this doesn’t happen.
Please share this warning with your friends, boycott Talk Talk, imprison weed smokers with life sentences, keep your eye on that sneaky shit of a butler and most importantly - show Tim some love on Twitter to stop him going all ‘Last of The Mohicans’ on us.