This extra curricular knowledge accompanies the latest epsiode of our hilarious FACT UP podcast. Start the podcast below while Giovanni Oceani teaches you how to get all the underwater ladies....
How to Pick Up Mermaids
by Giovanni Oceani
People often say to me:
"Giovanni, you do so well with the females... If I was the handsome Crown Prince of an ancient underwater citadel called Atlantis the mermaids would be all over me, too!"
I put one webbed hand on their shoulder and say:
"Sure it helps but it's not just that... What if I tell you I wasn't always this good with the opposite sex?"
They never believe me because I'm so handsome and my gills are so symmetrical... but it's true. When I was just a hatchling I was terrible with the mer-ladies. I remember once, at The Poseidon Ball, I was so desperate to get laid I ended up banging a basking shark.
That's until the fateful day I read The Game by Neil Strauss. Now I'm a bonafide pick up artist and I’m GREAT with the scalier sex. So trust me and listen to these two bits of advice and soon you'll be fin deep in hot mermaids too:
1: Go For It!
You know that moment when you’re hanging out at the Cave of Eternal Waterfalls and you spot the mermaid of your dreams? Just swim over. Most Mermen don't. So straight away you're more interesting than most of those losers (in the Pick Up community we call those losers "Scallops").
2: Start The Conversation!
Now what? Almost EVERY merman I talk to about picking up mermaids always says the same thing:
“I don’t know what to say. I freeze up".
That’s just a lack of preparation. I suggest having something in-mind, memorised. And I'm not talking about the classic cheesy “pick up lines.” You know the ones:
"Are you a narwhal because you just gave me the horn”
“ Hey, I bet you’re a water sign?
“Did you just escape from a fisherman, because your tail is off the hook?”
“Did it hurt? When you fell out of that bathysphere from Heaven” etc
... These stinkers have them swimming for Poseidon’s Forgotten Realm quicker than you can shout: "Shark!" I'm talking about the genuine, innocuous conversation starters. They should leave the merwoman guessing what your real intentions are. And this alone makes you seem more interesting – it’s a little mystery. Here are some great ones:
"Hey, you know that crab on the aquatic council - do you think he'll finally build that transportation bubble to the surface dwellers?"
EVERYONE has an opinion on that.... Just get that conversation started.
Or what about:
"Do you think Namor's Outer Shelf really is as full of predators as they say?"
Another classic. Who doesn’t think about that bit of gossip?
Give those a try and see how it goes.... You'll soon see you've been chatting to that hot mermaid twice as long as normal. Why? Because you've made a connection!
On next week's guide we'll move on to more advanced pick-up techniques like negging: "Hey, you stink of krill" or "Wow I think you've got something stuck in your egg sac"
But for this week start small and go and start a convo…You never know, you might end up going all the way and spraying your eggs into each other's hair.