Is this the worst show on TV? WARNING: May cause lasting damage

"It's an ugly planet; a Bug planet. A planet hostile to life as we know it."

— FedNet Correspondant


I had the pleasure of sitting through an episode of Love Island last night. I was too polite to ask for the TV to be smashed in after the opening titles. So I watched.

The whole thing.


For those of you fortunate enough not to know what 'Love Island' is, it's a reality TV show on ITV2. Six single men, six single women enter a party villa in Majorca, with the aim of finding ‘love’.

Other points to note:

  • It’s really, really, really shit
  • It might make you want to pull your eyes out
  • The show may cause more damage to the human brain than solvent abuse. Symptoms include- impaired sexual judgement and diminished intelligence.

Now, I know that reality TV bashing is nothing new, but this show doesn't need bashing - it needs obliterating. Obliterating into a million pieces.

My Love Island fantasy

My Love Island fantasy

‘Lads, Lads, Lads’ walking around, tops off, on steroids (allegedly). Girls handing out blow-jobs and licking their lips to camera, like well trained instagram models / porn stars. And what's worse - no one has a single interesting thing to say.

So… why the hell do people watch this crap!? It gets record breaking ratings. It’s on series two. It makes me lose faith in humanity.

Jenny Eclair (Comedian) recently told the press it’s "a disturbing display of knuckleheaded ladism". Yes. Go, Jenny! Unfortunately, she followed this up with "I can't stop watching it"...

Well, she (and you) probably should stop and here's why:

It's representing these obscure creatures as 'average' 20-somethings.

The men are all idiots. They high-five like teenagers in a 6th form common room and strut around with absolutely nothing to say - other than 'mate', 'boobs' and 'I'd shag her'. None of them actually look normal either, they look like genetically mutated cattle - with tattoos. They have no respect for women and have a ‘jekyll & hyde’ thing going on. One minute they act like the most emotional guys ever, claiming their love and respect for their showmance partner. The next, when their partner isn't looking they pull out ‘top banter’ to let their ‘top mate’ know how much they want to ‘shag the other bird’.

The women aren’t much better. Accepting the hypermasculine asshole behaviour and arguing over which of the herd they like the look of. Some pretend to talk about personalities, but who are they kidding... They lie around waiting for the man-cows to wander over, only bothered about the way they look and what people think of their bikini / boobs / ass.  

Sex isn't anything special.

Talk of having over 350+ partners, five-somes, ‘shagging a daughter and mother in the same week’ - all with proud smiles on their faces. No one bats an eyelid. Now I'm not talking about no sex before marriage here, but this is weird , right? How many STD's have these lot managed to rack up? How has sex just turned into a joke, a competition?!

Then again, I’ve been in a relationship for 11 years so I’m most likely outdated on the matter.

...But so has my girlfriend, and she loves it! It's like a 'fantasy world' for those in relationships. Disney's Beauty and the Beast, with less clothes, and everyone has the intelligence of the teacup.

And there are children burning their eyes with this crap who are still at school. Lets pray these mutated nymphomaniac monsters don’t give them any ideas. If this becomes norm, we have trouble on our hands...

My advice? Follow 90's pop-culture over 00's when it comes to this kind of thing. Blur’s rules are laid out pretty clearly in ‘Boys & Girls’ -[IT] ALWAYS SHOULD BE SOMEONE, YOU REALLY LOVE. ( If you're under 22 and have arrived here by mistake - Google it)



The show format isn't allowing for relationships.

Ultimately, the deal is that if you’re in a relationship - you stay (Free holiday, free air time to show off your abs and ass.) If no one wants you - you leave (Back to finding 'love' in your local kebab shop at 3am). So... they pretend to like each other to stay - it's just a game.*

Relationships are forced (by the producers) to become fickle. As more contestants are thrown in, relationships are quickly broken up. People are voted off and no one finds love. So if relationship building isn't encouraged, what's the point? It’s called LOVE Island for god sake. Next your gonna’ tell me it’s not on an Island, making the title as pointless as the program itself.

* I see the irony - I should tell myself this. 

Better Stuff on TV.

I'm not having the ‘but it's just a guilty pleasure’ attitude anymore because now, more than ever before, we live in a world with so much easy access to awesome content, films, documentaries, TV shows. We don't just have to sit through what ITV2 is hurling at us. WE HAVE A CHOICE!

I don't know, maybe I’m just getting old and need to lighten up. After all, I don't have steel cut abs, an all expenses paid month long holiday in the sun, and hordes of single women fighting over me. Maybe I'm jelous?

Then again...maybe it’s the end of the world as I know it.

In any case, I hope I don’t become single any time soon. I’m not sure I could handle finding love like this.