Beef: A review of the charts.

The music industry has been a rough and wild ride for both popstars and musicians alike, with both realising what Tupac, Biggie, and farmers could’ve told them from the very beginning: beef sells.

 
2Pac
 

Taylor Swift got the snowball rolling with her chart storming single ‘Bad Blood’- rumoured to be an attack on fellow celebrity Katy Perry- a response to Perry’s alleged hiring of backing dancers previously hired by Swift. Not one to back down from aggressive and deliberate confrontation, Swift got all her famous girl friends together to publicly humiliate Perry, in a power move for feminists everywhere.


Nizlopi, ever the opportunists, reformed to diss folk band Mumford & Sons with the chart-topping ‘More Like Little Zion Man, You Christian Camp Weirdos’


The ‘dissing’ craze spread like the plague, and struck next at a Little Mix concert, where fans were shocked to see Perrie suddenly turned on fellow band-member Jade mid-song, changing the lyrics from ‘I just want to dance and do shots with you baby baby baby’ to ‘She stole my face cream, I don’t even trust this bitch cause she doesn’t sweat what is up with that shit’. The clip attracted more than 6 million YouTube views within 24 hours, with fans calling it ‘the coolest thing we’ve seen since Nicki Minaj called out Miley Cyrus at the VMAs’ and the album shot to number 1. Their tour, now re-branded The Awkward Tour, has been extended by two years as it spreads worldwide.
 

 
 

When 16 year-old Haley Destiny auditioned for Britain’s Got Talent with a talent she described as simply ‘Dissing Ariana Grande’, it became clear to the UK and the world that beefing was here to stay. JLS kicked off the phenomenon that became known as ‘another nail in the coffin’ when they dissed classical composer Ludwig Van Beethoven, who’s been dead for almost 200 years. The cadaver pimps’ single, sarcastically titled ‘Nice lyrics, man’ went triple platinum. Elsewhere, proceedings turned violent when Sam Smith fans clashed with Ed Sheeran fans outside the o2 Arena, after Ed Sheeran allegedly sang in the same key as Smith. When asked about the violent encounter Smith commented saying ‘It’s gone too far now. He sang in A. A’s always been my thing. He knew what he was doing. I’m carrying a piece out here. Sleep with it under my pillow. I’m not gonna see 25. That’s the reality, man’.

Things escalated for the worse when band Nizlopi, ever the opportunists, reformed to diss folk band Mumford & Sons with the chart-topping ‘More Like Little Zion Man, You Christian Camp Weirdos’. Marcus Mumford took to Twitter to respond, asking God to unleash a plague on the farm-machinery tribute band. No sooner had his finger left the ‘send’ button, when disgruntled Christian Folk fans broke down Nizlopi frontman Luke Colcannon’s door and tore him limb from limb, before parading his separated body through the streets of his hometown of Leamington Spa. Next, they murdered the entirety of Nizlopi’s fan base- our thoughts go out to his friends and family.

At this point, Prime Minister David Cameron stepped in, vehemently warning that artists should change their ways before someone actually important got hurt, only to express the opposite opinion when he learned how much the British music industry was benefiting the economy just two days later. Barely a week went by before the PM was in the charts himself, jumping on a track with British rapper Professor Green entitled ‘Labour? More like gay-bour!’. In wake of an uproar from both Labour party members and the LGBT community, Cameron defended his single, saying ‘Music is the only language the youth understand’. Corbin struck back within days, teaming up with the XX for the much more minimalist ‘The left is nigh’, described by Nick Robinson as ‘like doom-pop meets dancehall.


Trump was next to throw his wig into the ring, releasing ‘I Am White Jesus’ Feat. Drake, which launched accusations at Democrat frontrunner Hilary Clinton


A funky yet haunting attack on conservative’s stance on health cuts’. Trump was next to throw his wig into the ring, releasing ‘I Am White Jesus’ Feat. Drake, which launched accusations at Democrat frontrunner Hilary Clinton, including the allegation that Clinton had been sleeping with former president Bill Clinton in order to ‘get her foot in the door’. The track hit number one before Trump called it to be banned after discovering that Drake was in fact Canadian, and therefore ‘a migrant posing as an American citizen’.

 
Donald Trump
 

Christy White-Spunner is a comedy writer and performer based in London.