You Can Have My Testosterone When You Pry It From My Cold Dead Testicles

In PART ONE I explained how testosterone, despite its common association with dickish male behaviour,  has many benefits in everyday life, and also that I’m afraid of losing it.

What? Didn't you know you were also losing it? Well, if you're male and 30+... you are (I hope you take this news better than I have.) Read all about it in HERE. Don’t worry, I’ll wait for you to catch up...

 
 

...Ok, so following this I took a look into what I could do, naturally, to give me the best chance of keeping my sweet man-juice (That sounded a bit wrong. I'm cautious of writing 'testosterone' too much, so I'm trying new things. Sorry.) So here’s the result of what can only be described as a ‘modicum’ of internet research about boosting testosterone (damnit).


-WORK OUT-

INTERNET FACT: Working out can boost testosterone levels. High weight and intense lifts can give much-needed testosterone boosts.

Duh. No brainer really. Physique and testosterone are closely tied. Well, I don’t have too much time on my hands... so I could maybe fit in a few fast high-intensity workouts. ‘Heavy weight, low rep until failure’ and all that.

-WAIT, NO. NOT TOO HEAVY!!-

INTERNET FACT: Stress produces cortisol, and cortisol lowers testosterone production. Put your body under undue stress and your testosterone will suffer. So lifting those heavy weights is actually counterproductive. 

No more gym-face, bulging veins and grunts in the mirror. I’ll lose the ego, pick up those light dumbbells and throw those bad boys around with reckless abandon. 

-DON’T GET STRESSED OR WORK TOO HARD-

INTERNET FACT: Same deal as physical stress, here. Mental stress can also increase cortisol production. Just. Stay. Relaxed.

OK. Easy. I’ll take a longer lunch break and more coffee breaks. Nothing more relaxing than a caramel latte and a stroopwafel.

-DON’T GET FAT-

Alright, a black coffee and a banana. Jesus. (Dairy and Soy are also questionable for testosterone production, apparently!)

INTERNET FACT: Body fat contains aromatase and it changes the all-important testosterone into oestrogen.  Extra oestrogen tells your body to reduce testosterone output.

I can work with this. The non-strenuous exercising will put me nicely in the fat burn zone (60-70% of maximum heart rate).  Let’s be honest, hitting 30 years old means my metabolism is also on the decline, but I can just eat low carb diet to compensate.

-WHOA, NO! EAT CARBS.-

Wait - What? 

INTERNET FACT:  To create the perfect scenario for testosterone production, try and maintain 2g of carbs per lb of bodyweight, per day.

Fine, I’ll eat carbs. I’ll reduce the fat intake instead to compensate.

-SLOW DOWN THERE TIGER - EAT FAT TOO.-

But...my slowing metabolism can’t handle that! 

INTERNET FACT: Saturated fats from red meat and eggs carry high cholesterol. Cholesterol is incredibly important in producing testosterone. 

OK, I’ll ‘Rocky’ it up and neck a load of raw eggs in the morning. 

...I wonder if vomiting boosts testosterone? I can foresee a LOT of vomiting going on. 

-DON’T DRINK ALCOHOL-

INTERNET FACT:  Alcohol speeds the conversion of testosterone into oestrogen

This’ll be easy. Providing I don’t have to go on any dates I’ll be fine. Ever tried ordering a water on a date? Most people aren't impressed, you can see they shut off almost immediately because they assume you’re not interested. Welcome to the ‘terrible date 30’s’. Urgh, I’ve never had a successful date after ordering water...

-HAVE MORE SEX.-

GIVE ME A BREAK!

 
 

Enough with the Internet witch-doctory! I get the feeling that there’s no real way to stop this?  It’s going to cause me more stress trying to juggle all of this advice - and as a result increase cortisol production, and as a result... LOWER TESTOSTERONE (!!!)

There’s clearly a lot of conflicting arguments out there, and it seems everyone has a ‘good’ idea to share. We have to remember that what works for one, might not work for another. We’re all built slightly differently and all have very different starting points.  

When we look through the conflicting ideas, there seem to be some commonalities in approach. The age-old, super boring advice of  ‘everything in moderation’.  It seems if I keep myself active, eat a well-balanced diet, avoid unnecessary stress, then maybe I won’t feel the effects of diminished testosterone as much.

"KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON"

Well... I'm NOT calm. I'm determined to fight this. I’ve found a testosterone test on Harley Street for around £50 (Probably the cheapest thing on Harley Street) So time to check the levels and then start the process of maintaining, or raising them! (...a man can hope!)

#LIFEGOALS